Frozen

I hate winter, despite the fact I’ve lived up north for many years. The cold seems to kill something inside me, and year after year, when I put away the patio furniture and my summer clothes, I cocooned myself inside the house and waited for the frozen world to thaw. Through four long months of bitter cold, I function on automatic – get up in the morning and go to work in the dark; come home in the dark and go to bed.

When the darkness outside me starts to creep into my mind and soul, I use my Feel Bright light visor that claimed to prevent SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder. SAD – what an appropriate acronym. I become sadder each day, waiting for the rebirth of nature, the reappearance of the sun, and to feel its warmth on my skin again.

It was still early March, and winter had lasted longer than anticipated. That silly groundhog was always wrong. This winter has been particularly hard for me, my first year on my own. I had learned to use the snow blower; chipped away ice, and closed up all the water lines myself. I’d sat in the dark most nights, worrying about every creaking noise the house made, worried about the power going out or the furnace dying, and imagining myself freezing to death with nobody even knowing for weeks.

Standing beside the frozen canal, I thought about the changes in my life and the separation that had been my idea. I’d had enough of being taken for granted in a loveless marriage without even holding hands for more years than I can remember. The only role he’d played in my life was to criticize me and put me down. I was never good enough. I could work and cook and clean and pay for everything, but somehow it was never enough. Like the cold, my marriage had killed something inside me and year after year I’d been going through the motions, unable to imagine a future that included happiness.

Not that I am happy now, either. Maybe there was no such thing as happiness; maybe it was all just an illusion, like a dangling carrot to keep a person going, this eternal search for happiness. I’m not ready to date again. For years, I had thought better the devil you know than the devil you don’t, and now I realize that no devil at all is the best solution.

So, I’d learned to paint ceilings myself, rip up carpets and remove the staples. I cried the entire time – out of pain, frustration, and loneliness – but I had persevered.

Things had changed. I am learning to manage on my own, to motivate myself and to keep going; only winter still needs to be conquered. I have  avoided dealing with the sham that was my marriage for too many years, now it was time to deal with winter, to draw upon my inner strength, to be a better person, a more resilient person.

Removing my skate guards, I stepped out onto the frozen water. Like riding a bike, one never forgets how to skate, and it didn’t take long before I was soaring down the canal, arms outstretched and face lifted to catch the rays of the sun. Alone on the frozen canal, warm within my layers of clothing, I was finally flying.