Change is painful. I’ve always known that, but I always thought about it in relation to my change in marital status. I’ve always gotten attached to people – even friends – and the change around my social circle predominantly.
Leaving a spouse is painful. Losing a friend – either through death or circumstance – is painful. Moving is painful. Changing jobs is painful. I get all of that.
I now realize there are other changes that affect me much more, and I even know why.
The thought of retirement is like a nightmare. I don’t know how to do anything but work. My job represents personal stability for me.
From 16 to 19, I faced periods of homelessness and hunger. I also had to deal with the trauma and mental health consequences of my situation. I worked hard to develop stability – I went to college at night, I devoted myself to my job, and I eventually built a stable life for myself.
Over time, I faced many changes. I had a child, I married, I moved to an entirely new community, my daughter grew up and moved away. My marriage – which was never great – fell apart in an exceptionally traumatic way. I stayed in the house and renovated it.
And I worked. Even on vacation, I made myself available if I was ever needed. That was always my choice. I did it for me. I know I’m not that important and can be replaced. I did it for my feeling of security. I love what I do. It’s not always great – every company has challenges – but my job allows me to continue learning and honing my skills.
But it can’t last forever. I’m 67 (and a half). My plan is to work to 70. Will I make it? I don’t see why not. But what then? Does my lack of a job mean a return to insecurity? What if I lack the financial means? That’s a real possibility because of how my marriage and divorce have affected me.
Change is painful and scary. And this may be the biggest change of my life.
And I’m terrified.
© 2024 S. Seveny
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